I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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