the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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