ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
