Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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