that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize