I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
