Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
