I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
third nipple confirmed
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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