i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
