Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Hello my rib-scented angel!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
