She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
