i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize