What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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