I molested 6 butterflies tonight
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize