Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Randomize
