sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
