Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Randomize