I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
