so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
