Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Randomize
