your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
