I hate your face
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I could make wine with my vomit
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
