Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
