Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I think people are normalizing furries
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
