How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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