how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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