You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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