wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
