remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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