I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
