I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
