Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize
