I faked an abortion last night.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
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