I smell stomach acid.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
