We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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