I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
