ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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