So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
