So drunk its hurt
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize