gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
