i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
