Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
