she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
