I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
