How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize