Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
