i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
