apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
