My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
