dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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