I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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