why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
