i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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