Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
