just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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