ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
