If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
