how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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