I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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