That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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