The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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