You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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