I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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