i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
