so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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