My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
