If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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