from now on my penis is your penis
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
