My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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