i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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